The Movies that Stole my Life: She (1984)
The similarities are eerie (although the more interesting gender role elements were curiously absent)
As you may be aware, Hollywood has made a number of attempts to steal my life story. First, there was Willy's Wonderland, a blatant retelling of my experience in Terre Haute; then, there was Lucy, which chronicled my encounter with Ke$ha and Teddy Bridgewater (aka Luc Besson).
Shockingly, I have found another film that totally ripped off my life: She.
The similarities are eerie, as you would know if you read the subtitle of this post, you lazy jerk. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the film, it is a story about a couple of guys who encounter a post-apocalyptic society of warrior women, and go on to encounter random bizzare bullshit.
Here is the story of what really happened:
A few years ago, I visited friends in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of Hoboken. While I was there, I happened to walk down "Main Street" (which was actually a sewer line that had been paved) when I, too, discovered a cult of warrior women, who were looking for a new queen. Thinking I was signing a petition to open a new Dairy Queen in downtown Hoboken, I ended up winning the position of queen in a tight election. I was a fair and just queen, even if I was a little confused as to how I met the eligibility requirements.
One day, after "enjoying" a disgusting glass of Moxie with my female brethren (sistren?) and recounting the story of how yet another screenplay (Deliverance) was taken directly from my life story, two jackass males walked in and started hitting on me. Ever the gentleman/lady, I responded with something demure. I believe it was "Listen, you assholes are both assaulting my masculinity AND objectifying women. Why don't you go find a nice secluded place and [censored] a toaster oven?"
Dejected, the assholes walked off. Then Peggy, my second-in-command, came up with the idea to enslave the assholes for their impudence. We all agreed that this was the best course of action, and force-fed them the remaining Moxie.
Then one of the assholes fed me some sob story about how his sister was kidnapped. I volunteered to help. Not because I thought I would be doing good-- I just wanted out of Hoboken.
Immediately before I left, I went to see if we had any cardboard boxes. Surprisingly, this was the scene the filmmakers plagiarized most blatantly-- in fact, it was actual footage of me. I'm the one rocking the Jennifer Beals look.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5aRLf0ayHo
Following this admittedly confusing occurrence, we went on the weirdest freakin' quest you can imagine. There were sparkly Twilight vampires. There was a cult of hairy telekinetic communists. There was a giant in a tutu. A Robin Williams impersonator showed up. I fought in a gladiatorial contest.
Frankly, I was too drunk to remember if we saved the sister or not, but to this day, I will still never drink Moxie without thinking about how terrible Moxie is. It is really, really bad.
